Thursday, April 26

I am struggling…

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I berate each and every decision I made up until this moment. I am struggling not because I think I deserve better, but because I can’t make anything out of so much good I have in life.

Sometimes, I really wonder whether I’d be better without all the pleasure life presents me. It makes my heart skip a beat, and the reality is – I don’t know what my where my problem lies.

I am struggling, but sometimes I really think I choose to struggle. Sometimes, I really think I choose to make a mountain out of a mole. But, I then begin to wonder – where does that necessity come from? Why is that I want to create a melodrama when there really isn’t? Is it because I want to awaken a part of me that chooses to sleep? Or does my heart really need something I so duly am missing all this time?

I am struggling because nothing seems right. It feels like a constant emotional drubbing is what really makes me feel alive everyday. I’m no stranger to any indecision in my life, after all that is what I have accustomed myself to all these years  – a constant array of indecision and a question of what is right and what isn’t. It baffles me. It makes me want to forget everything and choose a path of sagacity. But the indecision makes me wonder if I am really clean enough to pursue the purest path a human being can ever endure.

No one knows what I want. Not even I do. I just want something different. Something that I can fathom about.

Maybe some day, I’ll make sense of what’s happening to me. But right now, I don’t care about anyone – but I care about everyone. It’s a paradox. One moment, I feel indifferent to whatever happens around me – it doesn’t bother me. The world feels so alienated- and I feel I am in isolation. But the very next moment – everyone feels overwhelmed with pain and sorrow. I feel I have to change something to make them feel another way. But, I am helpless and it hurts my inner soul even more.

I am struggling. But the struggle plays hide and seek with me. One moment, I understand it – I feel I have caught it, but it continues itself in a cycle again. It hides from me, making me feel hollow and leaves me trying to find a reason behind all the antics I create inside me. It makes me feel stupid, but deep inside, I know the struggle is real. The struggle isn’t something I want to keep chasing. I want to get rid of it, but the battle is something I have never won.

It feels like I take it to the final lap every time – and I fail to push it over the line. I am a world class bottler every cycle of my emotional disarray and somehow funnily enough – I have an audacity to call out on other people when they do the same.

After all, it’s me who’s struggling. I am struggling and maybe you are too. I don’t judge. Even if I did some years ago, I promise, I’ve stopped it.

By not judging, maybe I choose to ignore it fully. Please don’t think of it as narcissism. I am just facing a situation of indecision pouring right at me. I don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe, one day, the stars will align at my direction and notify me of the ways to make it right. But right now, I am…


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Pouring my heart into words somewhere in a corner.

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