A walk of imagination is a monologue I wrote rendering the conflict in the state of my mind at one point in the past.
Yesterday, I went for a walk. Walking has never been my thing. I often prefer riding on a motorcycle to go to my sister’s, even though it’s just a five minute walk – but yesterday, something inculcated me to walk voluntarily up onto the hills nearby.
I’m not really a morning person. I hate when people wake me up early in the morning – esp. when I stayed up late (which is almost always!). But yesterday, despite only sleeping two hours, I felt fresh and ready to make my legs work.
As I expected, my jammed legs took a little getting used to. I was locked in my room for days, clicking the buttons of the only thing I knew how to use.
Initially, I took a few small steps. I wandered around – looking at how people walked with their dogs and had a little glee in all their faces. That made me a little sad because I didn’t think it was necessary to bring my dog along too. But I didn’t want to trace back to all the steps I took, my heart was set on moving on and forward. It was as if I had always known what destiny held for me.
I saw two different sides to life in my journey. Some people walked all the way to the hill for recreation and fitness – while the quest for survival drove some. But then I was there – neither really concerned about my fitness nor I needed to carry a big sack full of stones to survive. My father worked hard to ensure I didn’t have to.
I live in quite a religious place – where Hindu pilgrims from all around the world come to worship a popular god. For some reason, I never really was religious – but I never disregarded it either. But when your mother prays so hard everyday to ensure your whole family is safe and sound – somewhere something inside compelled me to think whether the temple was actually my final destination.
I roamed around, took a peek at several entities of the temple and even put a 5 rupees note down at the feet of Ganesh. But I got no answer – and I for one, wasn’t used to getting no answer.
After dawdling around for quite a long time, I realized that temple wasn’t really the place I sought after and I had already spent the early hours of my new pursuit wasting a five rupee note on nothing.
What was next for me? The small steps now converted to large quicker ones. I began to run – run as fast as I can – run like Forrest Gump with the world screaming “Run Barun, Run” until I reached a cliff. I scanned the place thoroughly in search for something but I saw darkness. It was a void, where no light ever entered. It made me really anxious. All my mind could really think is of the things I could have done wrong. I was used to overthinking but yesterday, I had only three choices- jump from the cliff, overthink or return back.
For some reason, I didn’t know how to return back. Or maybe, I didn’t really want to. I have always hated places with noise, and this place was a paradise for me. It was as peaceful as it gets – except for the noise my mind insisted on making.
Meanwhile, just sitting there- doing nothing could kill me. It would not really physically wound me, but yesterday, I didn’t think I was ready enough to give myself the full control of myself. Yesterday, I wasn’t ready.
All this uncertainty made me rue at the fact that I decided to take a walk yesterday. My life became a movie reel, it came all at me once. I flashed back upon memories where I spent the whole childhood playing badminton with the kids in street. I always had a competitive edge – lack of competition bored me. I spent my school days trying to compete with the best of my friends, so much that I hated when they succeeded. I wanted to come first, and for some weird reason (and that is my laziness), I came out on top 3 times out of 10. Maybe yesterday, what I really needed was someone along my side to give me a purpose. Maybe yesterday, all I really needed to find the destination was the competitive edge I’ve always stuck upon to find success. But then again these days, I didn’t really need other people for competition. I fought with myself day and night, and I almost always surrendered.
Throughout all this, I realized I was starting to overthink again. So I stopped. I listened. There was nothing. It was peaceful, my mind stopped making noises and my eyes stopped seeing anything.
And I jumped.
I jumped from the cliff yesterday and today, I write.
I write about how the big risk and the sacrifice I took yesterday helped me find myself.
I was scared because it was a new territory for me. I jumped without knowing whether the cliff would take me to a beautiful place or would be the end of me. But I was compelled to make a choice and though, it could have come amidst of all panics, I didn’t want to scuffle back to a road with no appeal to me.
So yesterday was just a start. Today, I go for a walk, again and tomorrow will be no different.